


Candles, fruits, trees

by astropixie



Series: Sunrise [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Current environment is supportive, Dubious Consent, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Non-Consensual Blow Jobs, Painful Sex, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-08 23:48:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6880495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astropixie/pseuds/astropixie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For a TFA Kinkmeme prompt: </p><p>Snoke conditioned Kylo to think of sex as inevitably painful and degrading. </p><p>Now, Poe tries to initiate sex and Ben is heartbroken that he wants to do *that* to him. He’s resigned to it because he wants to make him happy, but Poe quickly catches on to the fact that he’s not enjoying this at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Candles, fruits, trees

**Author's Note:**

> This prompt just killed me:
> 
> "During Kylo’s training, Snoke didn’t want anything distracting Kylo from Snoke’s plans for him, especially a lover (one of the few things that could make Kylo realize there could be a life for him outside Snoke’s designs). So he conditioned Kylo to think of sex as inevitably painful and degrading. How is mostly up to you—having faceless lackeys rape Kylo, doing it himself, whatever makes sense.
> 
> Cut to the present and Kylo is with partner of your choice. Partner tries to initiate sex and Kylo is heartbroken that this person he loves and has become comfortable with wants to do *that* to him. He’s resigned to it because he wants to make them happy, but they quickly catch on to the fact that he’s not enjoying this at all. 
> 
> There doesn’t have to be Magical Healing Cock/Vagina right away, but it would be nice if there were the implication that this person is committed to taking the time to help Kylo get rid of his conditioning and make sex a happy thing."

Poe woke up a little cold, the usual warmth at his back gone. From the dim light he could tell it was early; he checked his chrono and groaned. Two hours before he needed to be on duty. Hopefully Ben would get back to bed and he could get another hour of sleep—he usually could fall asleep anywhere, easily, from too much practice sitting up in his X-wing on long hyperspace trips. But if Ben was up and about, he would probably wake Poe again when he came back.

Poe sat up, blinking as he looked around the darkness of his quarters. Maybe he was in the ‘fresher? But the light wasn’t on.

He heard a loud sniff.

“Ben?” Poe whispered. He was standing at the window, unmoving. “What are you doing over there, love?”

He had picked up the nickname from Jessika Pava, who called everyone “love” and “hun,” and after using it without thinking one time, making Ben flush a solid red, it stuck. After that first time, it usually made him bite his lip with a little smile. But right now, he realized in horror, Ben was crying.

He leaped out of bed and rushed over to him—this was all part of the hazards of getting together with someone who had a lot of issues, he knew. But they had been doing so well lately. They had gone slow, and finally moved from kisses and cuddles—which Poe was apparently addicted to now, what with waking up when his cuddles were gone—to hinting at sex, with a hand down Ben’s pants last night, quickly reciprocated, over the underwear like they were teenagers again. Fun, flirty, with lots of moans and gentle kisses. Poe had gone to bed glowing as if this were his first relationship ever, with Ben holding him tight.

“Hey.” Poe hugged him close. “Hey, everything is fine. I have you.”

Ben hugged him back and sniffed again. “Thanks. Let’s go back to bed. I’m fine.”

Poe didn’t let him go as they walked back to bed. “I’m fine,” Ben insisted. They resumed their usual position of Ben being the big spoon, but Poe held his hand as his arm wrapped around him. “I’m fine,” Ben repeated again when Poe gave his hand a squeeze.

“It’s more convincing if you say ‘I’m fine’ only once,” Poe pointed out.

Ben squirmed and Poe could just about hear another “I’m fine,” being swallowed down.

“What’s up?” Poe asked.

Ben kissed his ear. “I don’t know. Nothing.”

“You can talk to me about anything, you know that, right?”

Ben hummed into his hair in response. 

Poe gave his hand one more squeeze and a final pat. “’Kay.

* * *

Ben usually looked forward to the evening. Evening meant Poe, who was busy around the clock with command duties, would be free. They could get dinner together, talk, maybe play some card games (not sabacc; Ben doubted he would ever be able to play sabacc again), unwind before settling in for the night in Poe’s bed. He felt safe with Poe, felt like he could protect Poe in turn as long as he could hold on to him. But they had never done more than that. Now, after last night, he knew Poe wanted more from him.

His own considerably lighter duties didn’t seem to take any time at all that day. He met with Luke, Rey, and Finn for their usual Jedi training exercises in the morning in the frosted grassy clearing outside the base. He didn’t like being around Finn—the other man seemed to get to things before him. Leaving the First Order. Poe.

Finn probably wouldn’t spend the day dreading the night with brave, laughing, handsome Poe.

Luke encouraged him to spend time in calming meditations after their morning exercises. When he first returned with Luke and Rey, bloodied, black robes tattered, and hissing at medical staff to stay away from him, Luke tried to guide him through a meditation like he did with beginning students. It only enraged him further. Even now, months later, they agreed it was better for him to work alone, although the Jedi master not-so-subtly gifted him a book of visualizations to use, since Ben needed the help.

This morning, however, he messed up during a drill with Finn—distracted—and Luke approached him after. “How are things, Ben?”

“I’m fine,” he said.

Luke pursed his lips. “You were distracted this morning.”

Ben shrugged his jacket on, and gathered his bag with his book and water, eager to get away.

“You seem preoccupied. Is it Poe?” Luke guessed, annoyingly astute. “How are things with him?”

Luke didn’t approve of the relationship—he’d overheard his uncle disagreeing heatedly with his mother over the matter saying _“Ben’s still too fragile, Leia!”—_ and Ben said tightly, “It’s fine.”

Luke gave him another look that said he clearly didn’t believe him, but clapped him on the shoulder and told him to start his daily meditations.

He couldn’t focus. The chill air of this forest world, where they set up the new base, seemed to penetrate through his jacket, touching his skin like cold fingers—

The whole day went like that—nervous, twitchy, unable to seek solace in any visualizations from the helpful book. He kept trying well past his usual hour he set aside for meditations, keeping to Poe’s quarters, away from everyone. Everything led back to Snoke. Imagine watching the flame of the candle, the book said.

_Snoke knelt between his legs, and Kylo stared over his scarred head at the candles in the room, eyes blurring—_

Ben swallowed and found his favorite exercise, watching a sunrise. The sun reminded him of Poe—bright, orange like a flight suit. He read: You are sitting at the water’s edge, and the first dawn light hits the clouds above the horizon. You see the first light of the sun, bright orange, reflecting on the water.

_Kylo watched the sun rise from the stronghold window, exhausted, hoping the Supreme Leader would give him his clothes back, he was cold, and sore—_

Ben slammed the book shut and quivered in Poe’s bed, breathing in his smell from the pillows. Maybe he should go to his own room in his mom’s quarters, spend the night there. But then there would be questions, he might ruin his chance and Poe was…everything. He couldn’t lose Poe. No, he owed it to him. Anything.

* * *

“Hey, love,” Poe said. He hadn’t seen Ben in his usual spot in the cafeteria at evening meal, and after the strange morning he had a good guess as to his whereabouts. Ben looked up at him from the bed. His dark eyes usually looked a little sad, but right now he also looked—scared? Poe closed the door behind him and showed him the platter he brought from the cafeteria. “I knew you’d be here. You doing okay?”

They ate together in his quarters, at the little table by the window where they played cards. After a while, Ben seemed fine. Poe supposed he skipped meals that day; that happened sometimes, when something was bothering him. Food no doubt made him feel a little better.

Poe debated bringing up what was bothering him, but that was usually hit-or-miss—and besides, Poe felt encouraged by last night…and mischievous. Maybe something special would cheer him up.

He took Ben’s hand, rubbing his calloused fingers over his scarred ones. “Love. I want to suck your cock.”

Ben’s breath hitched.

Poe grinned. “You. On the bed.”

“Are—are you sure?” Ben asked. His hands hovered at his pants, not undoing them just yet.

Poe grabbed his head to lean him down and kiss him. “I’m sure. I want your cock, in my mouth, and I want you to come your brains out.”

Ben stripped, and Poe joined him, taking off his sweaty workclothes, all their things thrown into a pile by the bed. He stood back a moment, openly admiring his muscles, trying not to wince at the numerous scars covering his whole body, the most obvious of which was the bowcaster wound, covering half his stomach in tendrils of white and pink scar tissue. He’d seen Ben naked before, they lived together. But he seemed more vulnerable now that this was happening. His fists worked, clenching and unclenching, and he wasn't hard yet.

“You’re beautiful,” Poe told him, guiding him to lie down, touching his chest. Ben looked up at him, face blank.

Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. Poe knelt on the bed next to him. “We don’t have to if you don’t want. I don’t mind going slow.”

Ben kissed him, soft pecks that drove Poe crazy. “I want to,” he said.

Poe grinned again and pushed Ben down, so his head hit the pillows, and started his way down with a trail of soft kisses over his chest and stomach, not skipping over the scars, just making his way down.

But Ben still wasn’t hard, at all. Well, maybe he could change that. He kissed his soft shaft, and Ben responded with a moan, his hands clenching at nothing again, cock twitching.

“Hold on to me,” Poe said, guiding one hand to his shoulder.

Ben smiled down at him and grabbed on. “Okay.”

Poe closed his mouth over the tip of Ben’s mostly-limp cock (Ben gasped) and went slow, gentle. He licked and sucked for a minute but Ben didn’t grow in his mouth like he should have. He was so quiet. He looked up to give him a dirty encouraging smile with his mouth wrapped around his cock, but when he did, he saw Ben’s eyes were closed, his face pinched. Not in pleasure. It almost looked like he was grinding his teeth.

He lifted away, placing a small kiss on the top of his shaft as he did. “Are you okay?”

Ben opened his eyes and looked up at him. “I’m fine.”

Poe raised an eyebrow at him. “You don’t seem fine.”

Ben bit his lip. “No, I’m fine—I’m just nervous.”

Poe knew better than that. He knew he was pretty good at this. Ben should have been whimpering and moaning like he did during a long kiss, not silent and still. He shifted up to lie next to him, and touched him gently on his shoulder. “Tell me what’s up.”

Ben gazed up at him and tried to move downward, trying to get to Poe’s now-limp cock, but he stopped him with a firm hand. “Ben, we don’t have to do this now. Something’s wrong, we can always do this another time.”

He knew that wasn’t exactly true, they were soldiers in a war, and even in this time of recuperating and planning they could be called to action at any time. Especially Poe’s squadron. But he didn’t want to pressure Ben, whose hands now started shaking.

Poe shook his head. There was no way to recover the situation. “Come on, let’s get our sleep clothes on. Do you maybe want to spend the night at your mom’s place? I’m sorry if I went too fast. I didn’t mean to pressure you, I just thought it would be nice.”

Ben didn’t say anything, but he sat up, still worrying his lip.

Poe handed him his favorite soft shirt and started to get dressed himself, letting Ben take a moment to collect himself. He sighed; clearly Ben wasn’t ready, he moved too fast. Although, this pace was glacial, like the planet outside. He’d hoped a nice gentle blowjob could get things going.

Ben changed but went straight back to bed, although Poe had retreated to the little game table. It was dark, now, and he flicked on the light. They needed to do something else for a bit before trying to sleep. “Come here, Ben, let’s have a few rounds of pazaak.”

That seemed to do the trick, drawing Ben out of his strange, shaky silence. When they returned to bed, Ben held him, and Poe’s eyes shut, feeling safe as always in Ben’s firm arms.

“I’m sorry,” Ben said.

“Don’t be,” Poe said. He turned within Ben’s grasp and looked up at him. “I’m sorry I pushed you.”

Ben nodded and kissed his cheek. “I’m sorry,” he repeated.

Poe kissed him back, small kisses around his face. Ben got like this sometimes, on a loop of apologizing. Maybe that was what was going on—Ben might feel like he didn’t deserve pleasure from the man he once tortured, in a different life on opposite sides. That must be it. Why didn’t that occur to him sooner?

“I forgive you,” Poe said, but he could see in the dark that Ben still looked worried. “Hey, we’ve been over this. I forgive you.”

“I’m sorry,” he said again in response, like a broken droid. There wasn’t much more Poe could say, so he planted one more firm kiss on his forehead before rolling back over and settling in for warm cuddles.

“It’s all right, Ben,” he said sleepily.

Ben held him tight.

* * *

_I can’t lose Poe. I can’t lose Poe. I have to get it together._

Ben got up as soon as Poe fell asleep. He knew the rhythm of his breath as he dropped off, the slow not-quite-snores when he was really asleep. He went to the table, switched on the glowpanel, and thumbed through his book of meditation. He whispered the text aloud, to make it more real. “You are eating a sweet fruit, and the juice runs down your chin.”

_Kylo gasped for breath, face sticky from Snoke’s come, and the cold fingers pressed his head down again, still not satisfied—_

Ben’s eyes burned as tears threatened to fall. He tried another. “Imagine you are a tree. Your roots go deep into the ground.”

There. Snoke couldn’t ruin a tree.

Except the roots in his imagination turned into _a grey, slick cock,_ and the ground became _Kylo, screaming—_

He wiped his eyes and closed the book, shut off the glowpanel. He went back to bed, careful not to disturb Poe.

Tears, pointless hot tears, kept falling into Poe’s tousled dark hair, and he adjusted his hold, wiping his face and trying to control his breathing so he wouldn’t sob and wake him up. Poe deserved peaceful rest with the only thing that Ben could give him, apparently, strong arms to fall asleep in.

But Poe’s breathing changed—he groaned, and stirred. Ben went still, holding his breath, even as sobs threatened again. Poe wanted to hurt him. He said he didn’t, said he forgave him, but then why would he want sex from him? But Ben had no choice, he had to do anything for Poe, had to—Poe was the sunrise, bright, strong, and Ben needed all the light he could get.

Poe settled back into his sleep, and Ben slowly, slowly joined him.

_The only sound in the dark, candlelit stronghold was Snoke’s mouth, making wet noises around Kylo’s cock. Kylo stiffened as Snoke brought a hand up to cup his balls, massaging, and he wanted to come, but he was afraid, it always hurt, even though right before it didn’t--_

_“Do you want to come, my apprentice?”_

_“Yes, master,” Kylo answered, without hesitation like he was supposed to. “Please let me come.”_

_Snoke finished him, standing up and using his hand. Kylo screamed at the release, watching come spill onto his bare legs, half-expecting to see blood in the fluid it hurt so bad. He stifled another cry as Snoke gave his cock a few more strokes, squeezing—he flailed—_

_“No!” he cried, but Snoke didn’t listen, and held him down. He lashed out. “Please, stop!”_

“Ow! Damn, Ben! Wake up!”

Ben stopped moving. It wasn’t Snoke he was fighting—it was Poe. Poe, who now looked down at him in horror, having wrestled him down. One of his cheeks was reddened, as if from a blow.

“I’m sorry,” Ben said, and he couldn’t stop the tears this time, and he wanted to run, go straight to his empty room in his mother’s quarters where he belonged, he didn’t deserve to have a boyfriend, certainly not _Poe Dameron_ \--

Poe kept him in place, and he stopped writhing to escape. He wasn’t as strong as Ben, but no way would Ben ever fight against him. “You talked in your sleep,” Poe said, voice thick. “I heard it. Snoke did something to you, that evil bastard, I’ll kill him myself.”

“I’m sorry,” Ben said, and Poe shook his head.

“Are you calm enough so I can let you go?” he asked.

Ben nodded. He wouldn’t hurt Poe, ever. Poe released his arms and sat back, a fist covering his mouth. He tried to talk a few times, failed, and watched Ben again.

“I’m sorry,” Ben said.

Poe closed his eyes. “Ben. I am so sorry. I didn’t realize—we don’t have to talk about this, but if you do want to talk about this, we can—whatever you need. I didn’t know you were raped, I’m really sorry.”

The word didn’t quite fit, though. It was just sex, and it sometimes felt okay, even though most of the time it hurt. Ben sat up, slowly so he wouldn’t scare Poe, and tried to say something besides another apology. “I’ve only ever—“ he stopped, and pushed through. “I’ve only had sex with Snoke. I’m sorry.”

“Do you hear yourself apologizing anymore?” Poe asked. “It’s not your fault! And it sure as hell doesn’t sound like sex, it sounds like rape.”

He kept saying that, but it didn’t seem like the right word. “I’ll try harder,” he said.

Poe went pale. “Try harder—what, in bed? No, love, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want, I just. I want you to be happy, I don’t want to pressure you.”

Ben shook his head. “It’s just pain. I can deal with pain. I’d do anything for you, Poe.”

Poe’s dark eyes narrowed. “What?”

“I can do it,” Ben said, although he had the sense that he was losing Poe the more he talked. “I can manage, I’m sorry—“

“If you say sorry one more time—“ Poe said, and Ben shrank in on himself, drawing up the blankets. Poe sighed. “No, I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at Snoke. I’m not mad at you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Ben watched him, wary. Poe reached out to touch him, and he cringed away without meaning to. Realizing his mistake he said quickly, “I’m sorry.”

Poe withdrew his hand, letting it fall to his lap. “Ben. You look terrified. Don’t be scared of me, I love you.”

“But—“ Ben said, and stopped, heart thudding in his chest. Poe said he loved him, but why did he want to hurt him with sex?

“But what?” Poe said.

Ben bit his lip.

“But what?” Poe demanded.

Ben spoke quietly, sure this was the end. “If you love me, why do you want to hurt me?”

Poe stared at him. “Hurt you? I don’t want to hurt you.”

Ben gestured..down. “But sex sometimes feels okay but mostly it just hurts. Especially when I come. I just—I don’t want to, I’m sorry—“

Poe, brave, sunny Poe, looked very sad. His eyes reddened all of a sudden, glassy. “Ben. My Ben.” He got close, and paused. “Can I hug you?”

Ben nodded. “Please.”

Poe held him, and rocked him, and didn’t speak for a while. Finally he said, “We’re gonna make this right, love.”

**Author's Note:**

> I have a few more scenes in mind of Poe helping Ben through this but I'm going to leave this as a one-shot and add more as a series.
> 
> Sexual assault resources: https://rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/was-it-rape, https://rainn.org/get-help


End file.
